“I don’t know if I want to stay married, but I don’t know if I’m ready to leave either.”
For couples considering ending their relationship, this uncertainty can last for months or even years. One person may be leaning toward ending the marriage while the other is desperately trying to save it. Sometimes both partners are unsure. They know something has to change, but making an actual decision feels overwhelming.
So they remain in limbo.
Discernment counseling is specifically designed for couples in this space. I’m LaTrease L. Nwosu, M.A., LPC, a therapist trained in Discernment Counseling with The Relationship Center (TRC), serving clients in Virginia. One of the challenges I see with couples considering discernment counseling is that the very thing that brings them to the process—having to make a decision—is also what can make them hesitant to fully commit to it.
Discernment Counseling Is Not Couples Therapy
When a couple is unsure whether they want to remain together, traditional couples therapy may not be the right first step.
Couples therapy generally begins with an agreement that both partners are willing to work on improving the relationship. Discernment counseling begins somewhere different: Do we actually want to try?
The purpose is not to convince you to stay together or encourage you to end the relationship. It is to help you gain greater clarity about the relationship, understand how you arrived at this point, and make a more informed decision about what comes next.
The process explores three possible paths: maintaining the relationship as it currently is, moving toward separation or divorce, or committing to a period of couples therapy with ending the relationship is temporarily taken off the table.
That sounds straightforward until you realize that choosing a path means letting go of the safety that can come with remaining undecided.
Sometimes Indecision Feels Safer Than Clarity
There can be a strange comfort in saying, “I don’t know.”
As painful as uncertainty can be, it postpones the consequences of making a decision. Choosing to work on the marriage means accepting that the work may be difficult and that both people will have to examine their contributions to the relationship. Choosing to leave means facing grief, change, family conversations, finances, parenting decisions, and an unknown future.
Neither option is easy.
That is why discernment counseling requires a willingness to tolerate discomfort long enough to reach clarity.
If you begin the process and feel an urge to pull away when the conversations become difficult, that does not automatically mean discernment counseling is not working. It may mean you have reached the exact decision you have been trying not to face.
Commit to the Process Before You Commit to the Outcome
You do not have to enter discernment counseling already knowing what you want to do. If you knew, you probably would not need discernment.
What you do need is a willingness to participate honestly.
Commit to showing up. Commit to examining the relationship instead of only examining your partner. Commit to hearing information that may challenge the story you have been telling yourself about how the marriage arrived here. And commit to staying engaged with the process even when clarity begins to feel uncomfortable.
The goal is not to make the easiest decision. It is to make a decision you understand.
There is also an important distinction between sticking with the discernment process and forcing yourself to stick with a particular outcome. Discernment counseling should not pressure you to save a the relationship at all costs or push you toward ending. The commitment is to doing enough honest reflection that whatever decision you make is thoughtful rather than simply another attempt to escape the discomfort of being stuck.
Living indefinitely between staying and leaving has a cost, too.
Discernment counseling creates a structured space to stop circling the same question and begin understanding what you are actually deciding. Clarity may not make the next step easy, but it can allow you to finally take that step with intention.
LaTrease L. Nwosu, M.A., LPC, is trained in Discernment Counseling and works with individuals and couples through The Relationship Center (TRC) in Virginia, including couples navigating uncertainty about whether to remain married, separate, or pursue couples therapy. Reach out today to schedule an appointment!
