You know the guy. Arms crossed. Eyes on the door. Nodding along just to get through it.
He’s not here because he wants to be. He’s here because his partner asked, and saying no felt worse than saying yes.
Underneath it, there’s one thought he’d never say out loud: needing help means something’s wrong with me.
I love working with that guy.
Why I Do This Work
I didn’t start out as a therapist. This is my second career. My first one was built on showing up, solving the problem, and not asking for help. I get that mindset. I lived it.
That’s exactly why I do this now. I’m not here to talk men out of being driven, loyal, or self-reliant. I’m here to show them therapy uses those same traits — it doesn’t erase them.
I’m trained in the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Good tools. But the bigger thing I bring is knowing what it’s like to sit where you’re sitting.
The Problem Isn’t Therapy. It’s Shame.
Most guys aren’t against getting better at their relationship. They’re against what it might say about them if they need help.
So instead of saying “I feel disconnected” or “I don’t know how to fix this,” it comes out as irritability. Withdrawal. Working more. Going quiet.
That’s the real obstacle. Not the couch. Not me. The idea that asking for help makes you weak.
What I Actually Do
I don’t lecture. I don’t ask you to perform feelings you don’t have yet.
I’m direct. I respect your time. And I let you find out for yourself that this isn’t a place where you get diagnosed as broken — it’s a place where you get strategic about something that matters to you.
Here’s what I see happen:
- Week one: arms crossed, guarded, watching the clock.
- Week three or four: he stops managing the room and starts actually thinking.
- Eventually: “I didn’t expect to want to come back.”
That’s the turning point. Not tears. Not a big breakthrough moment. Just — he stopped treating the room like a courtroom and started treating it like a workshop.
Why Couples Work
Relationships don’t break down because of one person. They shift when both people show up differently.
If one partner is all in and the other is just enduring the hour, the work stalls. My job with the partner who’s holding back — often the guy — is getting him from enduring to engaged. Not performing it. Actually there.
That changes everything else: how you fight, how you repair, whether the relationship actually moves forward instead of limping along.
If This Is You
You don’t need the right words yet. You don’t need to be ready to talk about your feelings. You just need to show up.
I’ll meet you where you are. No performance required.
Guys don’t walk out of my office “fixed.” They walk out clearer. Steadier. Less alone with what they’ve been carrying.
That’s the work. That’s why I do it.
Lucas Guendoo is a Resident in Counseling at The Relationship Center of Hampton Roads, trained in the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). He specializes in couples therapy, with a focus on men who are hesitant, resistant, or new to therapy. To schedule with Lucas, reach out here..
