Sometimes couples come to therapy wanting very different things.
One partner may be saying, “I do not know if I can keep doing this.” The other may be saying, “Please give us one more chance.”
This can be an incredibly painful and confusing place for both people. The partner considering leaving may feel exhausted, emotionally disconnected, or afraid that coming to therapy will create pressure to stay. The partner hoping to repair the relationship may feel panicked, rejected, and desperate to fix things before it is too late.
Both people may want help, but they are not yet agreeing on what that help should accomplish.
When I meet with a couple in this position, I do not assume that the goal should be saving the relationship. I also do not assume that ending it is the right answer. My role is to help both partners slow down, understand how they arrived at this point, and consider their options with more clarity than fear or urgency may allow.
That is where discernment counseling can help.
When You Are Not Ready for Traditional Couples Therapy
Traditional couples therapy generally begins with a shared commitment to work on the relationship. Both partners may not feel equally hopeful, but they are usually willing to explore how the relationship can improve.
Discernment counseling begins somewhere different.
It is designed for couples in which one partner is seriously considering separation or divorce while the other wants to preserve the relationship. Before beginning the work of repairing the relationship, the couple first needs help answering a more basic question: Are we both willing to try?
Without that shared willingness, couples therapy can quickly become another place where partners feel misunderstood. The partner who wants to stay may see every session as a chance to convince the other person not to leave. The partner who is uncertain may feel cornered or expected to make promises they are not ready to make.
Discernment counseling creates room for both positions.
The partner considering leaving does not have to pretend to feel hopeful. The partner who wants to stay does not have to pretend that the possibility of separation is easy to accept. Both experiences are important, and both deserve to be understood.
What Discernment Counseling Is Really About
The goal of discernment counseling is not to fix the relationship during those sessions. It is not to pressure either person into staying, and it is not intended to move a couple more quickly toward divorce.
The goal is to help the couple find a thoughtful path forward.
That means looking honestly at what has happened in the relationship, what has brought each person to this moment, and what each partner would need to take responsibility for if they chose to work toward repair.
Couples often come into this process feeling as though they need an immediate answer. Are we staying together? Are we separating? Is there anything left to save?
I understand the urgency behind those questions. Living with uncertainty is exhausting. At the same time, decisions made in the middle of fear, anger, or emotional exhaustion may not reflect what either person truly wants once the intensity has settled.
Sometimes the most useful thing we can do is slow the decision down enough to understand it.
Understanding the Two Different Positions
In discernment counseling, one partner is sometimes described as “leaning out,” while the other is “leaning in.”
The leaning out partner is considering ending the relationship. They may have felt unhappy or disconnected for a long time. In some cases, they have already begun imagining a future outside the relationship. They may worry that counseling will become another attempt to talk them out of what they are feeling.
The leaning in partner wants to preserve the relationship. They may believe change is possible and want the opportunity to show that things can be different. They may also be frightened by the possibility of losing their partner, their family, or the future they believed they were building together.
I do not view one partner as the problem and the other as the person who is trying harder. Both partners arrive with a story about how the relationship reached this point. My work is to help each person speak honestly, listen more carefully, and begin recognizing the patterns and choices that have shaped the relationship.
That does not mean responsibility is always equal. It means that meaningful clarity requires each person to look at their own part with honesty.
What the Process Looks Like
Discernment counseling includes time together as a couple and time for each partner to speak individually with the therapist.
The conversations are focused and intentional. Together, we look at what has happened in the relationship and what each person is hoping to understand. Individually, each partner has space to speak more openly about their fears, doubts, hopes, and concerns.
The process is intentionally brief. The model developed through the University of Minnesota’s Couples on the Brink project typically lasts between one and five sessions. Couples decide whether to continue one session at a time rather than committing to a long course of counseling before they know what direction they want to take. More information about the model is available through the University of Minnesota’s discernment counseling program.
This shorter structure helps keep the work centered on the decision in front of the couple rather than beginning relationship repair before both people have agreed to it.
Finding the Path That Fits
Discernment counseling helps couples consider three possible paths.
The first is continuing the relationship as it is. While this is an option, many couples recognize that remaining in the same patterns without meaningful change is no longer sustainable.
The second is moving toward separation or divorce. Discernment counseling does not treat this choice as a failure. In some situations, clarity means recognizing that the relationship will end and considering how to move forward with greater care, respect, and understanding.
The third is making a sincere commitment to couples therapy for a defined period of time. In the traditional discernment model, both partners agree to take separation or divorce off the table temporarily while they fully participate in the work of repairing the relationship. This is not a promise that the relationship will survive. It is a commitment to give change a genuine opportunity.
My role is not to choose one of these paths for the couple. It is to help both partners understand what each path would require and to support them in making a decision they can feel confident was thoughtful, honest, and informed.
Finding Clarity Together
When a relationship feels uncertain, it is natural to want an immediate answer.
Are you staying? Do you still love me? Is there any hope for us?
These questions often come from fear and from a deep need to know where you stand. But pressure rarely creates the kind of clarity that lasts.
Discernment counseling offers a place to pause. It gives both people room to speak honestly without being forced into a decision before they are ready. It also creates an opportunity for each partner to look inward, better understand how the relationship reached this point, and consider what they would need to take responsibility for moving forward.
If you are considering discernment counseling, you do not need to arrive knowing what the outcome should be. You only need a willingness to look honestly at the relationship and remain open to understanding what comes next.
What I have seen is that clarity can bring its own sense of relief. For some couples, it becomes the beginning of a sincere effort to repair the relationship. For others, it allows them to move toward separation with greater care, understanding, and intention.
Either way, the goal is not to rush the decision. It is to help both partners feel more grounded in the path they choose.
You do not have to remain stuck in uncertainty. With time, honesty, and the right support, it is possible to move forward with a clearer understanding of yourself, your relationship, and what you want your life to become.
About the author: Betsy Zimmerman, PhD, LPC, NCC is the Clinical Director at The Relationship Center. She works with individuals and couples facing relationship uncertainty, infidelity, trauma, separation, and significant life transitions.
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