Written by: Sex and Relationship Therapist, Maggie Choumbakos Grindrod, LCSW
Why Is Sex So Hard in Long-Term Relationships?
Sex is part of all our lives and has been since the dawn of humankind. Whether we’re having it, wanting more of it, or avoiding it altogether, sex is an ever-present character. But if sex is a universal experience, so is the struggle to navigate long-term sexual relationships. I work with couples every day who ask me the same question: “Why is this so hard?”
Sex, creator of all life and pleasure! Why is this universal act so elusive?
The Problem with Traditional Sex Education
To begin with, our sources of sexual guidance are faulty at best. Maybe mom or dad had the old’ birds and the bees talk with us at some regrettably awkward and preferably forgotten point in our childhoods. If we’re lucky, we got some Sex Education in school. But let’s be honest about Sex Ed, it’s not about sex. It’s about anatomy, reproduction, and the cold hard fact that if you do it before you’re married, you’ll be on the express train to STI town. Not very helpful stuff for a young person wading into their first sexual relationships.
How Media Shapes Unrealistic Sexual Expectations
Left to our own devices for sexual sleuthing, we fall back on our fail-safe pal to educate us: media. TV, movies, pornography, TikTok. Our culture’s depictions of sexual relationships tell us that when a relationship is working, sex is seamless. If the connection is “right”, we should fall blissfully in love and into bed without any need for tough conversations. Men last for hours, women don’t, and first times end in simultaneous fireworks.
Yikes. Those are some impossible and unrealistic expectations to live up to. And who sets the record straight? In a culture where sex is still highly taboo, we have no template for talking about the reality of our sexual experiences. Inundated with false narratives and shamed into silence, we’re left in the dark with no place for honest conversations. No wonder we struggle!
Sexual Re-Education and Healthy Sexual Relationships
But that’s all beginning to change. Good information is actually starting to reach the public. You have at your fingertips, access to the latest research from the world’s leading experts on healthy sexuality and sexual relationships – books, podcasts, workshops, you name it. Facing a sexual challenge doesn’t always mean facing down the dreaded sex therapist (although, we’re not that bad…really). You and your partner can start the process in the comfort of your own home. Below are some of my favorite resources to begin your sexual re-education.
When to Seek Support from a Sex and Relationship Therapist
If exploring these topics with your partner feels too daunting, it may be time to seek some additional support from a Sex and Relationship Therapist (I promise we’re not that bad). We would love to help guide you toward your relationship goals. Check out our Sex Therapy page, and schedule an appointment.
Recommended Books for Sexual Health and Relationship Growth
Podcasts About Sex, Intimacy, and Relationships
Finding Reliable Sexual Education Resources
Please be mindful that for every source of reliable sexual guidance on the internet, there are about a thousand sources of total nonsense. While these are works created by the world’s leading experts, many so-called “experts” out there are simply exploiting fads for clicks. If you’re overwhelmed by your options, don’t hesitate to reach out for a more hands-on approach to your sexual re-education.
